autumn changes

i remember staring at your front door for a few minutes, shaking my head in disbelief over what had just transpired. 

and for the majority of my walk back home i kept my head down, holding back tears. i looked at the aged sidewalks spread with the occasional piece of garbage and cigarette butt. 

but then there were the leaves. 

while i paid no attention to the wind rustling through my worn-in jacket, the fallen leaves were at its mercy. blowing in any direction the wind commanded. in such large groups and with a variety of different colours. 

i gathered myself and looked up higher to the trees that aligned themselves in the foreground of house yards that were shedding off these small distinct pieces. watching the tree even sway to the harsh blows each time the wind beckoned. 

that’s the thing about nature, i suppose. the trees adapt and change to the season and even though they have roots deep below – every now and then they go with the curve of nature, to survive. whether it be the hot summer days, cold detrimental winters, renewing springs or the turnover of autumn – the trees adapt, making the necessary changes to continue on. 

so after all this thinking of nature and the changes that go on in life as well, i kept walking towards home. but this time with my head up, eyes still watering, but accepting change. 

i will never forget that walk home. 

contingency

what stays with you
is the echoing cries
heard from miles away
resonating into your chest

do we gamble with it
place it all to chance
not hope, per se
but willful determination

to lose is nothing
to oneself, maybe
but others feel it
repercussions of your actions

passerby in an alleyway
clerk over the counter
a loved one
a lost one

it seems so real
the colours in your eyes
but like all light
darkness follows

i dont partake in risks
or verifiable accounts
i take daily steps
towards bright uncertainty

in passing

didn’t i see you
across the street
getting groceries
smoking, carrying tissue paper
and a grin of dissatisfaction

you look different now
blonde hair in place of black
traded sneakers for high heels
band t-shirts for mini skirts
yellow teeth still the same

i’d wave but you wouldn’t remember
my face in the sea of people
from then or now
not much has changed
not even my outgoing personality

watch you get into a cab
say a few select words
driver nodded with the car in gear
you looked at me – dead eyes
cigarette dropped as you drive away

despair

emotion can strangle you by the neck
take the air out of your lungs
leave you teary eyed
gasping for life

we give in we cant fight it

our brains will throw us a flame
hysteria under false assumptions
not a drop of poison to be seen
just a chemical reaction

is sickness still so, when invisible

grow tired
have no control
pass arms to others
again and again

sadness is easy, bodies betray

so where do you turn

into it, unto it

seeing life through vignettes
taking it for granted all this time
feeling blood pumping through veins
tight hands around the heart

out of breath constantly
nails inside lungs
scratching to make it stop
only getting worse

if you feel it now
will you feel it then
the last moments of divinity
seen in the nightmares of beginners

pay no mind to these ramblings
do not be concerned now
fearing the inevitable at this point
will only ruin the worst surprise