in between

do i need to find it?
who i am.
is that a real thing anymore.

did my happiness depend on you?
yes, it’s why i’m broken now.
my foolish dependence.

was i holding myself back?
being content with mediocrity.
forgoing self-improvement.

moving on, waning off of you.
those feelings hooked onto my skin and soul.
my hands still tremble.
rendered useless by failing emotions.
concerning myself with your well-being.
thinking of you when i should be more concerned with myself.
the blame is on me for the downfall.
but it’s easier to put it on you.
but unfair and unjust.
i hate the feeling of being the cause.
i never looked at the moon and wondered, will it end?
i was confident and ignorant in my bliss.

but i’m slowly coming back to myself.
my creativity pumps in my blood.
rewarded quickly for changes.
it will motivate me – gradually.
i have faith in myself.
i’m not cured and i still pine for you.
but less now, infrequent.
distracted by others and acts.
it flows through me now.
this new wind.
my nature has always been to reminisce.
foreign to look ahead.
do it for myself.
rely on myself.
i’ll be whole again.

i’ll finally be me.

encounter

i saw her walking out of my local coffee shop and i couldn’t waste this chance meeting to talk to her. i walked across the street and moved in front of her. she stopped full tilt and took a step back.

“uh..”

“hi. how are you?” i said smiling ear to ear.

her lips squished and her eyebrows raised, “do i know you?” her eyes glancing over me.

“well sort of,” i let out slowly, “you know of me. you actually played me in a short film you made in college.”

a puzzled expression fell over her and she spoke sternly,”right, okay – well i have to go. thanks.” she began walking down the street.

“another time then? i’m around here quite a bit!” i shouted out to her.

she took her phone out of her pocket, dialled and raised it to her head and began talking while walking away, glancing back at me twice before turning onto another side street.

a woman with a small child, who i’m quite sure had witnessed the entire encounter, gave me a queer look and walked by quickly.

“she totally knows me!” i shouted reassuringly to them.

how odd.

 

love sync

i haven’t seen you in weeks
so i decided to walk the streets
to get you off my mind
only for me to find

these

synchronized lovers in the snow
everywhere i go
synchronized lovers in the snow
where do i go

no matter where i look
at the park, near the brook
spread around town
it just puts me down,

seeing the

synchronized lovers in the snow
everywhere i go
synchronized lovers in the snow
where do i go

as i tread back to my home
softly crying alone
i just raise my eyes to see
no one hears my plea

to stop these

synchronized lovers in the snow
everywhere i go
synchronized lovers in the snow
where do i go

synchronized lovers in the snow
everywhere i go
synchronized lovers in the snow
where do i go
far away
far away
from the winter here

turn back

you smoked cigarettes
i never asked why
i just pretended
like i understood
that i didnt mind
the taste of your tounge
afterwards

most things about you
appealed to me
but i suppose
it faded eventually
like your will
or demeanor
never appearence

i played with your hair
as smoke pillowed
filling my eyes
with tears
as you looked me over
intrigued by my distaste
of love

our dynamic
was lust
through and through
we never confused it
we didnt let it dictate us
our blood ran cold
seperated

as i ran through
street lights
in dark nights
momentary lapses
of disbelief and desire
never lead me to turn back
to your side of smoke

or lust

but from time to time it comes up

allie pt.1

the thing i regret most about that visit, is that i didn’t wear a heavier coat.

there was a light flurry of snow covering the rusted tracks and quiet city.  i had taken the train down, the station was located in the centre of the city’s industrial section and the sun had already set after dinnertime. though dark, you could still make out the clouds of smog collecting from the hundreds of factory smokestacks pumping it out. it was freezing and my arms had gone numb on the walk over to her mom’s basement apartment. i remember passing a small park beside an abandoned convenience store. it looked as though it had been torched months ago and left in disarray.

near the outer parts of the industrial side there were small apartment buildings and townhouses in various states of repair. the one i was looking for sat across from an old army tank. a relic from a veteran who salvaged each piece over a series of years and finally choose to construct it on his front porch. i pushed for further details upon hearing this, alas the gentlemen went inside before the first snowfall of the season and came out in an ambulance a few weeks thereafter.

her mothers building stood three stories tall and had a tax office on the main floor that was only open during the beginning of the year. the main entrance had a plywood board over it and a large red “X” spray painted on, with some minor graffiti tags. i walked out to the back where another door with bars and chained fogged glass, had several locks running along its side. there was a small brown box to the right of it with a dial pad and a pushed-in speaker. i punched in “1-0-2-*” and a small ring emitted from the speaker. it rang twice before a muffled, “hello?” came out.

“hi, it’s just me – sorry i’m a bit late the train was off schedule and-“, the speaker buzzed and cut me off.

“who is this?” said the female voice.

“oh, i’m sorry i’m looking for allie – i might have typed in the wrong number-” the speaker buzzed cutting me off again.

“she’ll be right-” the voice cut out as the speaker emitted a horrendous screeching feedback.

i stepped back and looked around, the snow was still coming down and the moon was still hidden behind the smog. i heard a distant slam and echoed stomping come from the building. i looked to the door and made out a blurry figure jostling the door open. a dainty hand with purple nail polish emerged banging on the side of the door as it became stuck on the concrete below it, a scrapping noise following the motion. allie emerged, slamming the door behind her. a crackling of metal and glass as the frame absorbed the blow.

“hello,” she said wearing a bright red winter coat and a denim skirt. she had dyed her hair a tint of pink and blue – different then the coarse blonde she had in the summer. the coat was puffy and made her figure quite humorous. she probably weighed only a hundred pounds and this made it seem as though she could float off into the night sky. the irony of the skirt was lost upon me however. she let out a smile that warmed my insides, and her blue eyes still stood out from her hair. “do i get a hug, or are you going to stand there forever?”

“uh- no, no – sorry,” i moved over to her and hugged her. she smelt of strawberries and tobacco. an odd combination – the only thing that had’t changed since the last time i saw her.

read pt. 2