Month: July 2017

i’m missing something
i don’t have the information
the defining cause
of what let this unravel
slipping through my hands

it’s what grabs my attention
at the beginning of the day
when i first wake up
i struggle out of bed
letting it consume me

by noon
it travels back
popping up as my eyes trace
the remainder of the day ahead
never letting me forget

by the time that dusk covers
i sit awake in the dark
replaying actions of the past
trying to find what went wrong
keeping me awake till dawn

it’s been months of this
i don’t think i’m getting any better
but at the same time
i don’t think i’m getting worse
being alone to think

about what was lost

wish you didn't tell me these things
so i could stay in bed and waste the day
letting on that you know something
teasing me with it to get your way
if i had a meaningful soul
i'd have taken it up with restitution
but i'll remain here at large
waiting for my anger to subside
it's not like me to be so insecure
let alone giving you an unfair impression
that i could ever be so insincere
you can take it all in stride
the little errors that you'll find
broken bits don't really bother me
just don't point them out
like my eyes are betraying me
well i've got something
to look forward to
at the end of my days
keep prodding me for information
i'm sure i'll just give in anyway
these aren't the times you promised
i think i was happier in ignorance
you put a mask on me
paraded me like a lover
underneath it all though
i was a long distance runner
waiting to escape

haven't you gotten sick
from the lack of oxygen
do your lungs fade away
every time you try to breathe
your looking out now
for the quickest escape
but don't be unkind
to the worries you'll find
counting always takes you
to the wrong side of the law
i can recall the older memories
where you left everyone out
does it even help
when you were filled up with doubt
you gave up
you went away
even now
i can see your true self
scratches on your kneecaps
bruises on your tongue
well i've been giving to much
attention to the little things
and i know you aren't aware
of the old ways
catastrophic to a degree
in a new light you might agree
but if i tried to fix you now
i'm sure you'd have another way
to let me down

small pieces
rather
large chunks
of who i was
have been torn off
lost in our exchange
but it's hard to see
what was truly mine
ownership of identity
left to repair over time
while the pieces used
to replace the forgotten
are new and unfamiliar
was this something sought after
underneath the years
of layers built upon
was it supposed to be here
all along, with me
as i collect them
i have yet to recall
familiar pieces from the fall
can i truly be myself again
maybe i was never that person
that i could have been
maybe as i gather them now
what i assemble will be the truth
the real parts of me
left to be exposed
to be shared and cherished
to breathe again with vigour
to smile again, excited
for what i can become
alongside my heartbeat
carrying my soul
into the next day
ambitiously so

start with the checkerboard
alongside my forearm
dropping the pieces
the dead diseases
take a blade to
let them in
wait to see
which react on my skin

but the cure
is expensive
time-consuming
quite severe
so why not treat
the symptoms
as they appear

it will stick with you
until your last breath
so manage your pills
let the fluids run
down your throat
coughing and wheezing
as you go on